If your divorce was contentious, co-parenting effectively can seem like an endless challenge. Some tips to remember:
Teach yourself to cast aside any lingering resentments or grudges you have about or against your ex. This requires serious work and can take months (depending on how long those grievances have been building up), so start now.
Even when your resentment or anger is legitimate, they aren’t helpful to your purpose, which is to parent your child with love. Your child will not blossom if her parents are continuously and verbally at odds with each other.
Identify and control your automatic gut-clench when you hear your phone ping with a call or text from your ex. If your ex is still able to push your buttons this way, see tip #1, above.
Tame your temper. That old trick about writing the letter/text/email but waiting 24 hours before you actually send it really works. It also can help to make a list of grievances to discuss with your ex during a weekly phone call – but then only allow yourself three items from the list rather than the five or 10 you’ve written down.
Set your expectations by setting small goals that are achievable. For instance, if you can’t speak or meet in person, then don’t. Speak only online, using an online tool such as OurFamilyWizard, if needed.
Limit the time you converse — how much time per contact, how many contacts per day, how many days per week – and reach an agreement with your ex about the amount of contact you have. Learn to plan ahead so you can “manage” the contacts as much as possible. Train yourself to ignore non-emergency messages from your ex if they happen outside of your agreed-upon times. Ignore the instinct to respond immediately unless the message is an emergency.
Stick to your parenting plan as much as possible.
Realize and understand your kids will miss out on some activities with your family.
Do not schedule activities for your kids on the other parent’s time without that parent’s consent.
Do not schedule personal obligations on days you will have your kids.
Agree with your ex to do an annual preview, perhaps at the beginning of each school year, to discuss anticipated events such as trips, big celebrations, academic schedules, etc.
Limit the topics you will converse about. Remember, you should be talking only about issues related to the kids.
Topics that should already be decided in general include parenting schedules, kids’ schedules, kids’ clothing and personal items, kids’ medications, kids’ activity schedules, kids’ regular appointments. These should not be re-hashed at every conversation.
Other off-limit topics include all other provisions of the divorce or custody decree such as the division of property or support payments.
Topics likely to need discussion include schedule changes, health concerns, family illnesses, updates from teachers or coaches, updates about pets.
If your ex strays from appropriate topics, do not take the bait. Ignore the comment and redirect the conversation. Every.Single.Time.
Seek help. Every co-parenting situation is different, and there are many professionals who can provide tools to help you cope and thrive at this task. Your ability to co-parent well is vital to your children’s peace of mind and personal growth. You can do this, even if the other parent cannot.
If you have questions or concerns, contact us at (515) 421-9290.