For someone going through the divorce process, there is a point where they let themselves think of a day when they wake up in their home and do not have their children with them under the same roof. It always happens. That moment is one of fear and, many times, overwhelming sadness. It is a part of the process of a divorce when there are children involved.
The fear of loss does not just happen in the people who are the parties to a divorce. Often, extended families have the same fear. If grandparents are involved, they wonder if they can see their grandchildren or if they will be blocked or denied contact. The adult children are the gatekeepers to the grandchildren in most cases. When people view time with children in terms of quantity, the fear of having little or no time with grandchildren creates natural anxiety for everyone involved. Time is finite, and the scarcity mindset does nothing to relieve the anxiety. But it will increase it.
However, when viewed in terms of relationships as opposed to time, there are never too many people who can love and value children – especially children of divorce. Families remain post-divorce; the structures just look a little different. Children’s relationships with extended family members can provide them with stability and structure as their parents go through the divorce process. They provide respite, and their homes may remain unchanged, which can give comfort to their grandkids.
Families often experience divorce as a collective. It is as essential for extended families to keep children out of the middle as it is for the parents. When the parties going through a divorce see that their children are loved and thrive in the care of other family members, it builds trust. The relationship (and the time with the extended family) is valued. Both divorcing parties can see the value in those relationships for their children. That is important moving forward.*
Judges tell family law attorneys that the parents of each party are of little or no value as witnesses in divorce cases. They say, “of course they will testify for their own child!” And, if the extended family member has done anything to degrade or devalue the other parent – especially in front of the children (or even while testifying) – their testimony will hurt. The only time a party’s parent’s testimony interests the court is when a parent testifies against their own child. There is no sideshow value to the court; instead, it is a tragic interest with likely lifelong ramifications.
The healthy approach to a divorce with children is for ALL the adults involved, directly (for the parties) and indirectly (for extended family), to recognize that children should have the right to love everyone. And everyone should be for the children. Relationships are what matter. In divorce, family should not “go away”; it may look different. (But isn’t it the adults who view it as different?) Children’s relationships with extended family members can remain unchanged. For grandparents, their actual time in this world may be less than the parents’. Extended families may only gather on a limited schedule.
Viewing family relationships with an abundance mentality instead of a scarcity mentality will benefit children. However, it will also immeasurably impact your relationship with your children of divorce. So please mark the date, and then come back to this when your kids have their own kids. It’s a fascinating look back on life.
*However, filing an action for grandparent rights will not make things easier for children of divorce, ever, It is another conflict, to be discussed in a future post.